Curiosity gets the Priest

A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.

The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"

"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."

"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.

The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"

"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"

"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.

"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"

Run

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.




5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.



11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting

.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


Ultimate True Test
:

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

Andrés Escobar’s Own Goal vs USA

Sometimes own goals are funny. Sometimes they are not. Colombia defender Andrés Escobar’s own goal vs USA at the 1994 World Cup definitely was not. Colombia entered USA ‘94 as many people’s “dark horses” to win the whole thing. Which is never a good sign. But with a squad featuring Carlos Valderrama, Faustino Asprilla, Freddy Rincón, Óscar Córdoba, Adolfo Valencia and more, and having topped their CONMEBOL qualification group with a 5-0 away win over Argentina, they were at least expected to make the second round. Despite playing some good football in their World Cup 1994 Group A opening game vs Romania, they left that match with a 3-1 defeat, in part thanks to the precision of Gheorghe Hagi’s left foot. Which made getting a result in the second game against hosts USA imperative.


In the 35th minute, USA midfielder John Harkes crossed the ball into the Colombia box, and the 27 year old defender Andrés Escobar strecthed to intercept. Unfortunately, Escobar could only divert the ball past Óscar Córdoba to give the USA a 1-0 lead:


If you look closely, it’s pretty clear that without Escobar’s interception, Harkes’ cross would very likely have found Earnie Stewart at the far post, where the USA players would have had a pretty straightforward tap-in. Escobar had no choice but to stretch for the ball. USA went on to win the game 2-1, all but eliminating Colombia from the 1994 World Cup. Colombia beat Switzerland 2-0 in their final Group A game, but still finished bottom of Group A and went home as underachievers. That should have been that.


However, on July 2nd, 1994, just 10 days after Colombia’s defeat to the USA, Andrés Escobar was murdered outside a bar in a suburb of Medellín, Colombia, with the killer apparently firing 12 bullets at his victim. It was widely reported at the time, and still widely believed today, that Escobar’s murder was punishment for his own goal vs the USA. Various reports state that either Escobar’s girlfriend or the police claim the killer shouted “Gol!” each time he fired. Humberto Muñoz Castro was the man convicted of Escobar’s murder in 1995, but he was released in 2006 having served only 11 years of a 43 year sentence. It’s not clear whether Escobar was murdered by a betting syndicate that had wagered on Colombia making the second round, some other representative of organized crime, or simply a deranged fan. In some ways it doesn’t matter. What’s clear is that someone somewhere took the events of one World Cup game far too seriously, and Escobar paid the ultimate price. The story of Andrés Escobar’s murder may suggest that all Colombian football fans turned on him following his own goal. But that was absolutely not the case. A reported 120,000 people turned out to pay their respects at Escobar’s funeral, and football fans apparenlty still bring photos and flags of him to games and regularly visit his grave.

Newton in romantic mood………

Universal law:

” Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from

One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money ”

first law:

” a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl

in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless

any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and

break the legs of the boy. ”

second law:

” the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is

directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and

the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the

bank balance. ”

third law:

” the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite

to the force applied by the girl while slapping