Court Jokes

LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
LAWYER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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LAWYER: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
LAWYER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different LAWYER. Can I get a new LAWYER?
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LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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LAWYER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
LAWYER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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LAWYER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your LAWYER?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:

LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.