മരുഭൂമിയിലെ പ്രവാസി മലയാളി - ഒരു അമുഖം

ഇത് എന്‍റെ ജീവിതമാണ്‌ .ജീവിതത്തില്‍ ഞാന്‍ സഞ്ചരിച്ച വഴികള്‍ ,ഞാന്‍ കണ്ട ജീവിതങ്ങള്‍ ,പ്രവാസികളുടെ സ്വപ്നങ്ങള്‍ , പ്രവാസി വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍ ,അവനു മാത്രം അറിയാവുന്ന അവന്റെ വിഷമങ്ങള്‍ ,എന്‍റെ ജീവിതത്തില്‍ വഴിത്തിരിവുകള്‍ .അതില്‍ പ്രധാനവും ഈ മണല്തീരത്തില്‍ എത്തി പെട്ടതിന് ശേഷവും അതിനു മുന്പുള്ളതും ..അത് ഞാന്‍ നിങ്ങളുമായി പങ്കു വയ്ക്കാം .കൂടെ ഇവിടെ ഈ തിളച്ചു മറിയുന്ന ചൂടില്‍ തളിര്‍ക്കുകയും തളരുകയും ചെയ്ത ജീവിതങ്ങളും. പ്രവാസികളുടെ സ്വപ്നങ്ങളും അനുഭവങ്ങളും ഏകദേശം ഒന്നാണ് .അതിനാല്‍ ഇതിലെ ചില സംഭവങ്ങള്‍ നിങ്ങള്ക്ക് പരിച്ചയമുല്ലതോ നിങ്ങളുടേതോ ആണെകില്‍ അത് തികച്ചും യാത്രിചികം മാത്രം.നിങ്ങളുടെ ജീവിതങ്ങള്‍ ഇവിടെ പകര്‍ത്തുകയല്ല .പകരം നമ്മള്‍ പരിചയിച്ചിട്ടുള്ള നമ്മുടെ മാത്രം വിഷമങ്ങളിലേക്ക് ഒരു എത്തി നോട്ടം .. ഇത് നിങ്ങള്‍ക്കിഷ്ട്ടപെട്ടാല്‍ FOLLOW വില്‍ ക്ലിക്ക് ചെയ്തു നിങ്ങളുടെ ജിമെയില്‍ അക്കൗണ്ട്‌ വഴി ലോഗിന്‍ ചെയ്തു ഫോല്ലോ ചെയുകയോ ,പോസ്റ്റില്‍ നിങളുടെ കമന്റ്‌ എഴുതുകയോ ആവാം..

Saturday 30 October 2010

Singh is King

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America
.

 A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?"

 Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh".
 

 Another guy came and asked the him the same
question.
 Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"

Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.

While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.

   
He went up to him and asked, "Are you
Relaxing?"
  
 The other Singh was a
lot more educated and answered,"Yes, I am relaxing."

 The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid,
idiot.
 Everyone is looking for you and your are
sitting over here!"
   
   
 ************ ********* *******


A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter
told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances
in  education on earth. In order to gain admittance a
prospective heavenly soul,
he must answer two questions:

1.Name two days of the week that begin
with "T".

2.How many seconds are in a year?
   The
Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two
days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and 
Tomorrow.

2. There
are 12 seconds in a year.
 Saint Peter said, "OK,
I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer,
even  though it's not the answer I expected. But how did
you get 12  seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied,
"Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc..."

 Saint Peter lets him in without another word.


   
 ************ ********* ********
(3) Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all
around his living room.
    Jasmeet : "What are you searching for?"
    Santa : "Hidden cameras!"
    Jasmeet : "And what makes you
think that there are hidden cameras here?"
   
Santa : "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why
every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star
World Channel'. How does he know that?"
   
 
 
 ************ ********* ********

(4) Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started
thanking God.
  A passerby saw him and asked, "Your
donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"

 The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to
it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I
would have been missing too."


            
************ ********* *********


(5) Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a
fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out
of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away
as well. His shirt,pant,socks and watch follow suit.


The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going
on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions here"! It
says here "Answer the following questions in brief".

     
************ ********* *********

(6) Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic.One of them was crying like
hell. So the other asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one
said,"I came here for blood test" Second one asked, "So? Are
you afraid "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one
started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the
other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."
 
   
************ ********* *********


(7) A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to
wash hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager
comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies,

    "Oye, see the board here ---" Wash Basin ".

Tuesday 19 October 2010

Think before you flirt out !!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and
devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening""You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which
the husband replied,


 "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

Some Laws.... Newton forgot!

  
Law of queue:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, yr nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bath THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.  

THEATRE RULE:
People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE:
As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.



The Last but not least...............

Law of Motion - 4th Law
  







"Loose Motion will never be Slow Motion" 

Sunday 17 October 2010

For you

You broke my heart on the phone


I could hear something wrong in your tone

Was it something that i done to make you leave

As because of the pain i started to bleed



This is why my heart feels so sad

As memories of the love we once had

Wasn't i worth a second chance to you

As no one will ever love you the way i do



Why the hurt and why the pain

Of what you started these tears remain

As when we first fell i couldn't believe

That someone like you could ever love me



Holding each other on that cold winters night

I do miss those days as when you was my angel of light

Like a torch to my heart then i feel the warmth of you

All these passing years and i lose sleep because of you



Please realize that my heart still sounds for you

After so many years the dreams i still have of you

If you could read my poem and hear my endless cry

Would you return or still say goodbye

Wednesday 13 October 2010

why ???

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?




Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?



If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?



Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?



How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

Sunday 10 October 2010

Why India never gets to launch the missile ?????????????

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile,



Soviet Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in


less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.



Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense


included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan:






This was the scenario....



The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.



They don't need any permission from their government,

and promptly order the countdowns.



Indian technology is highly advanced.





In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown

and decides to launch a missile in retribution.



But they need permission from the Government of India.



They submit their request to the Indian President.





The President forwards it to the Cabinet.





The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.



The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests

by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.



The President asks for a quick decision.



In the mean time,

the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure.





Their attempts for a re-launch are still on.



Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority

because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.







The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.



As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,

a caretaker government is installed.



The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear

missile.





But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government

cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand.



The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation

in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power.



The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM,

and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision

in view of the emergency facing the nation.



Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off,

but it fell 367 miles away from the target,

on its own government building in Islamabad at 11.00AM.



Fortunately there were no casualties

as no employee had reached the office that early.





In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached

somewhere in flight.



The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies

from China and USA .





The Indian Government, taking no chances,

decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own,

after convening an all-party meeting.





This time all the parties agree.



Its three months since the army had sought permission.







But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity" , "anti-nuclear" activists come

out against the Government's decision.





Human chains are formed and 'Rasta rokos' organized.



In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning

the government and mentioning



"Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".



On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning.







Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed

wind blowing over Rajasthan.



Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.



A missile (smuggled from USA ) is pressed into service.







Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software,

it hits it original destination: Russia.



Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a

nuclear missile towards Islamabad .







The missile hits the target and creates havoc.



Pakistan cries for help.







India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million

dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.



Thus India never gets to launch the missile...!! !

Saturday 9 October 2010

ഗതികെട്ടോന്‍ രണ്ടു ബിയര്‍ അടിച്ചാല്‍ അന്ന് .......

  
സാജില്‍ ബിജുവിന്‍റെ പാട്ട് രസം കേറി വരുമ്പോളാണ് ലോലുവിനു വക്കീലിന്‍റെ ഫോണ്‍..നല്ലൊരു വ്യാഴാഴ്ച ആയിട്ടു അങ്ങേരെ മുഖം കാണിക്കണമെന്ന് ..എന്ത് കഷ്ട്ടമാനെന്നു പറയണേ ...മുന്‍പിലിരുന്ന ബിയര്‍ തീര്‍ത്തു അര മണിക്കുറിനുള്ളില്‍  അങ്ങേരുടെ മുന്‍പില്‍ എത്തിയപ്പോള്‍ ഒരു മാതിരി മറ്റേ ചിരി നാലു പറഞ്ഞാലോ എന്ന് ഓര്‍ത്തെങ്കിലും നമ്മുടെ ഊടായിപ്പിനു  ഇതിലും കട്ടക്ക് കട്ട നില്‍ക്കുന്ന വേറെ ഒരുത്തനെ കണ്ടു പിടിക്കാന്‍ ബുദ്ധിമുട്ടയാതിന്‍റെ  പേരില്‍ ഒന്നും മിണ്ടാതെ ഹെല്‍മെറ്റ്‌ ഇല്ലാതെ ട്രാഫിക് കാരന്‍ പിടിച്ച ബൈക്ക്കാരനെ പോലെ ദയനീയമായി ഞങ്ങള്‍ രണ്ടും അങ്ങേരുടെ മുഖത്തേക്ക് നോക്കി ഇരുന്നു ..
 
കാര്യം  എന്തെന്ന് ഒരു പിടിത്തവും  കിട്ടുന്നില്ല..അങ്ങേരുടെ നോട്ടം കണ്ടാല്‍ ഞങ്ങള്‍ രണ്ടും പേരും   വട്ടന്മാരും  അങ്ങേരു മനശാത്രജ്ഞനും ആണെന്ന് തോന്നും ..പെട്ടെന്ന് അങ്ങേരു പറഞ്ഞു മിസ്റ്റര്‍ ലോലു നിങ്ങളോട് എനിക്ക് രണ്ടു കാര്യം പറയാന്‍ ഉണ്ട് ..ഒന്ന് വിഷമിപ്പിക്കുന്ന കാര്യവും മറ്റൊന്ന് ഞെട്ടിക്കുന്ന കാര്യവും ആണ് ..അവന്‍ എന്നെ നോക്കി ഒന്നാലോച്ചിട്ടു ഞാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു ആദ്യം വിഷമിപ്പിക്കുന്ന കാര്യം പറ ..വക്കീല്‍  വിഷമത്തോടെ പറഞ്ഞു നിങ്ങളുടെ ഭാര്യ ഇന്ന് 5000 ദിനാര്‍ കൊടുത്തു ഒരു ഫോട്ടോ മേടിച്ചു ..എല്ലാ പ്രവാസിയും പോലെ പെട്ടെന്ന് മനസ്സ് കണക്കുക്കൂട്ടല്‍  നടത്തി 5000 * 13 = 65000  രൂപ എന്റെ കര്‍ത്താവെ ഈ മിനിക്കിത് എന്തിന്‍റെ കേടാ..ഞാന്‍ ലോലുവിനെ നോക്കി ..തരിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു ..പെട്ടെന്ന് അവന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു...ഇനിയിപ്പോ ഞെട്ടിക്കുന്ന വാര്‍ത്ത‍ പെട്ടെന്ന് പറ ഇതില്‍ കൂടുതല്‍ എന്തോന്ന് ഞെട്ടാനാ ? ഒരു നിമിഷം മിണ്ടാതെ ഇരുന്നിട്ട് വക്കില്‍ പെട്ടെന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു
 
 
"ആ ഫോട്ടോ ലോലുവിന്റെയും നിങ്ങളുടെ ആ  ഫിലിപ്പിനി സെക്രട്ടറിയുടെയും ആണ് "..

ഓ ഇനി എന്നാ വായിക്കനാ നോക്കി ഇരിക്കുന്നെ ??? ബോധം  കേട്ട് കിടക്കുന്ന അവനെ ഞാന്‍ എടുത്തു ഒന്ന് കാറില്‍ കിടത്തട്ടെ

Thursday 7 October 2010

ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ പുരാണം

രാവിലെ ഭാര്യ പത്രവും ആയി ഓടി വരുന്നത് കണ്ടപ്പോലെ മനസ്സിലായി ഒന്നെകില്‍ സ്വര്‍ണത്തിന് വില കുരങ്ങു അല്ലേല്‍ ഏതേലും സാരി കടക്കാര് ഓഫര്‍ ഇട്ടു ..ഈ മാസവും അപ്പോള്‍ ആദ്യ ആഴ്ച തന്ന്നെ പേഴ്സ് കളി ആക്കി തരും ..

നോക്കിയപ്പോള്‍ പുതിയ ഇലക്ട്രോണിക് കടതുറക്കുന്നത് പ്രമാണിച്ച് ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ വന്പിച്ച വിലകുറവ് ..കാരിയം ഉള്ള ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ കെട്ടിയോള് കൂടെ കൂടുന്നതിന് മുന്‍പ് വീട്ടില്‍ വന്നു കേറിയതാ ..അതൊന്നു പൊക്കാന്‍  നാലു പേര് വേണം ..


എന്തായാലും  ലോലു പുതിയ ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ മേടിച്ചു ..തന്റെ വീട്ടില്‍ ഉള്ള ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ എന്ത് ചെയ്യും ? ലോലുവിന്റെ ഭാര്യ പറഞ്ഞു ഇനി ഇതും പൊക്കി പിടിച്ചു കടയില്‍ പോയാല്‍ നോക്ക് കൂലി ഇറക്കു കൂലി എല്ലാം കൂടി കുറെ കൈയില്‍  നിന്ന് പോകും ..ആര്‍ക്കെങ്കിലും ചുമ്മാ കൊടുത്തേരെ ..

പുള്ളി ഒരു തരത്തില്‍ ഉന്തി തള്ളി ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ പുറത്തു കൊണ്ട് പോയി വച്ചു കൂടെ ഒരു ബോര്‍ഡും നല്ല രീതിയില്‍ പ്രവര്‍ത്തിക്കുന്ന ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ ആവശ്യകാര് അനുവാദം ചോദിക്കാതെ എടുക്കാവുന്നതാണ് ..എന്ത് ചെയാന്‍ ..

2  ദിവസം കഴിഞ്ഞിട്ടും ഒറ്റ മനുഷ്യന്‍ തിരിഞ്ഞു  നോക്കുന്നില്ല..ലോലു പുതിയ ബോര്‍ഡ്‌ വച്ചു ..നല്ല രീതിയില്‍ പ്രവത്തിക്കുന്ന ഫ്രിഡ്ജ്‌ 1000 രൂപ ..
 






 
പിറ്റേ ദിവസം തന്നെ ആരോ അത് മോഷ്ടിചോണ്ട്  പോയി..